I remember a conversation I had with my sis in law years ago. I remember telling her that I wished that we could see our soul the way God does. I wish that there was some kind of real indication of where I stood in relation to righteousness. Wouldn’t it be nice if there was some kind of scale or measure I could see? I need something to help me see myself the way God does. I need like a spiritual mood ring for my soul. Green if I’m doing right, and black if I’m in danger of being invited to the eternal soul BBQ. I hate judging myself. I don’t trust my own judgement for many reasons. Number 1, because I can be under critical of myself and Number 2, because I can be way overcritical of myself. Yeah…I know, makes no sense, but proves my point exactly. I can barely explain myself, let alone judge myself well.
Why is it so stinking easy to see a flaw in someone else, but so hard to obviously name our own flaws. Is this just me? Oh…this is great! Maybe it means I’m perfect! AHhhhhahahahhahahah!!!!! Obviously this is NOT the case. For starters this would mean I am completely haughty and prideful and flat out blind and deaf and forgetting that I called someone a moron while I was driving the other day. I also better not be forgetting that I can be dumb as a rock and shut my own fingers in a drawer even in my 30’s, still bite my lip while eating, and occasionally trip over my own feet. I shouldn’t even be trusted with watering a houseplant. I don’t have any houseplants. Why? Because I killed them. Manslaughter. It was a total accident, but I’ve even killed bamboo. My children are lucky they have faired so well.
I do really want to judge myself though. I want to correct my sin. I want to fix it. The truth is, the thought of fixing everything that is wrong with me..is beyond overwhelming. I’m glad God doesn’t dump the bucket of flaws on my head all at one time. He usually shows me in doses I can handle. Occasionally its a dose that I almost can’t handle.
You probably know by now that warning people about the dangers of Fluoroquinolone antibiotics, is a personal and deep passion of mine. It’s near and dear to my heart and those who have had this happen to them, become a personal concern of mine. I know how catastrophic the effect can be on their lives and I know how low it can pull a person. Last night when I was reading a Facebook post where there was quite a conversation going on stemming from my viral antibiotic blog post, I got pretty ticked. I got ticked because a person of poor character was getting kicks out of kicking people who were already down.
I have sorted through thousands…THOUSANDS of blog comments directed at me from that post. Many of them very degrading. I have been called a fool, stupid, a liar, paranoid, a stupid christian, and even a Nazi. Some made me laugh and roll my eyes, others were just annoying, and some made me remind myself that whether I’m stupid or not…I AM a christian and should respond as such. Out of all of these insults, I never lost my cool though. I allowed most of the comments disagreeing with me…except the ones really nastily tearing down someone else. Some responses I couldn’t allow on my post, if it crossed over the line. I don’t want other people getting hurt. So as I read this Facebook verbal assault, I suddenly found myself quite ticked off. This individual repeatedly said that “If they are too stupid to read the packet with the warnings in them, then they deserved what they got.” It wasn’t just one ignorant comment, it was repetitive and I was getting real upset. This person was hurting my people and they had no idea the gravity of their words.
I clicked away from the page to give myself time to decide how to respond to this person. I was getting more and more upset. My thoughts of “Who is this sick person? I better inform them that these warnings were NOT in the packets when most of us took these medications. My doctor didn’t even recognize what was wrong at first! What a sicko freak trying to pick on people who are barely hanging on at times! I seriously should put them in their place. I need to tell them that if they are dumb enough to get in the car, maybe they deserve a possible car accident. If they walk outside, they are asking for a meteor to hit them. If they walk in a storm maybe they deserve being sucked into a tornado!” You see where this was going…nowhere wholesome, loving or helpful.
I have been given a blessing and a curse in this life. The blessing is that I rarely think of good comebacks or burns for anyone until the confrontation is over. The curse is that, a very few times in my life, I have been pushed far enough to spit out a truth that cuts like a dagger. It’s never in between. I’m all or nothing in this realm. If I end up throwing that dagger of truth, it never feels good. I almost always regret not only what I said, but the spirit it was said in. I wish I was thinking so clearly during my moment away from this post, that I could tell you that I remembered this weakness within myself and I wisely and calmly remembered that God wants me to love everyone and I felt this beautiful charity well up in my heart, and then I mounted my unicorn and rode off underneath a rainbow. Sadly the reality looked much more like me falling off my high horse into a pile of manure. I did pray to God in that moment, to help me know what to say and to help me have charity for this person.
Unfortunatly I was still pretty miffed and I clicked over to see the post again so I could read through and find the proper way to verbally slow roast this nasty person into a dunce hat and place them in a corner for all to learn from. I shouldn’t have been looking for this post while still angry. It’s way too risky, like shopping at Costco when you are starving. It’d be lucky if you don’t find yourself with a 5 gallon drum of chocolate pudding and bag of Doritos the size of a bag of horse feed. You’re not going to end up acquiring anything that is good for you.
I clicked and clicked…and couldn’t find the post. Clicked some more…still couldn’t find it. This is the moment I slid off my horse into the poo. Here it was…that still small voice that can deliver truth like a sword into the heart in a completely loving way…the perfect way. “Amy, I’m saving you from yourself.” Now I don’t know if the post was for sure deleted or not. I did immediately stop looking though. I knew in that moment, God was showing me one of those truths about myself that is hard to admit. I sometimes struggle to keep from taking a matter into my own hands and make a mess of it. Even standing up for others in the wrong spirit, is still just as wrong as standing up for myself in the wrong spirit. It’s when I scramble to find a truth dagger and make the mistake of throwing one of satan’s fiery darts of destruction instead. Not good. Not a tool I want to have in my hands. The sword of truth is God’s word and stands strong and righteous. Fiery darts of satan are meant to injure and not to edify. So there I was sitting in the manure. I was dirty hearted. It finally occurred to me that I was about to do exactly to this person, what they were doing to my friends. This person obviously lacks compassion, and that usually comes from a place of anger and anger usually comes from a place of pain. I was this person. I just was only seeing this scenario from my point of view. I hadn’t seen it from God’s point of view yet. From His point of view, He was seeing the pot call the kettle black.
Proverbs 16:2 All the ways of a man are clean in his own eyes; but the LORD weigheth the spirits.
Oooh…yeah. The spirits. It wasn’t God’s spirit telling me to hurry back and verbally slow roast this person. God’s spirit was fortunately not letting me find this post again, so I would have an opportunity to halt and not run with all the fiery darts in my hands. He wanted me to see something.
- The LORD openeth the eyes of the blind: the LORD raiseth them that are bowed down: the LORD loveth the righteous:
God just helped this blind girl see something, and it was a flaw of herself.
I leave you with the prayer I so often find myself uttering.
- Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
Next time I hope I do much better. Next time, I hope I clearly remember this about myself and God doesn’t have to save me from myself. He is always having to save this blind girl from running with dangers she just can’t see are in her own hands.
Mirror mirror on the wall…chastise my heart so I don’t fall.