When I was in high school, I decided to see a movie with some friends. It was a horror movie. I was young and feeling some peer pressure. I went with 2 friends of mine. We started watching the movie as we ate our popcorn, swedish fish and sour patch kids. This movie got very dark and creepy very quickly. I didn’t mind scary movies at the time if they were just about some psycho, but I wasn’t prepared for the content of this movie. This was about evil spirits. I don’t like to toy around with that kind of garbage. For one, I believe that they exist and don’t want to focus on that or get any pleasure from the chaos they create. I sat there suddenly alarmed at what I’d gotten myself into. I started to feel very uncomfortable and my candy wasn’t sitting so well in my gut. I got this prodding inside me that wouldn’t relent. It was saying “Amy, I protect you from this. Why are going looking for it. Get out of here! Get up right now! This is not where you belong.” I glanced at my high school BFF and gave her the ,”I can’t do this look.” She looked at me and to my relief, she said, “I don’t want to watch this either.” We both whispered to my other buddy that we were going out. She could finish the movie if she wanted but we were going to go hang out outside. We sat eating our candy on the curb and talking. I haven’t watched a horror movie since.
My Mom used to say a phrase that echoes in my mind. “Garbage in, garbage out.” It’s like the shortest most accurate portrayal of what we are. If we eat garbage, and we don’t nourish our bodies, our body will deteriorate and give out and become sickly or die. Our soul is the same way. Whatever we fill our time with and our pleasure, is what will come out of us. If I live in a way that is unhealthy for my soul, my soul will deteriorate, give out, become sickly and die. My soul will only be as healthy as what I nourish it with. If I don’t feed my soul with the word of God and live by it, I will dry up. The living waters will evaporate and I will become a soul wasteland. I can’t grow, help any one else, or survive. I become dry bones.
This week, my husband reminded me of something. It was a moment I am not proud of in my life. It’s semi funny now, but in the moment I was horrified. When I was 7 months pregnant, I had a placental abruption and preeclampsia with my daughter. It was a horrific nightmare. In a whirlwind my doctor said I needed an amniocentesis to see if her lungs were mature enough to deliver. An amnio is when they lay you on a table in the woods and stab you with a 9 inch sword and you scream out and all the people in the land can hear the sounds of true suffering. Oh wait…sorry, that’s the Princess Bride when they suck 30 years of Westley’s life away. Back to the amnio. It is a horrible medieval test where they take a syringe the size of an elephant tranquilizer, and push it into your tummy and it pops through the wall of the uterus to get a sample of the amniotic fluid. It puts you into a 10 out of 10 like labor contraction immediately and then it sucks 30 years of your life away like Westley in the forest and you make the sounds of true suffering. I seriously would voluntarily skip with a lollipop into the fire swamp, drop kick a Rodent of Unusual size and swan dive into quicksand, before electing to go through an amniocentisis again. My husband is a knight in shining armor. He has always been there for me in true strong man manner. This is the only time I have ever seen him go white in the face and look like he might need his own nurse. He still says it’s the worst thing he has ever seen, and he is a police officer and has been in a shooting. It’s nasty. Well…the moment I’m not proud of. In shear terror, I felt Allison…my precious baby girl, roll right over into where they had just stuck the sword and removed it. I seriously was terrified and in terrific pain and pictured her foot coming through the tiny hole they had just made. Guys, I never cuss. I hate cuss words. I feel trashy and unwholesome when I think them and I don’t want anything sounding that way to come out of my mouth. Well, in this moment of sheer pain and terror, I let one fly. I screamed it in a moment of terrific pain. I gave birth to both my boys with no pain meds, epidural, nothing. I seriously almost had Alex in Mimi’s Cafe across from the hospital, but that’s a story for another day. I was unprepared for this type of pain though. It was horrible. As soon as it passed, I realized what I had said and I immediately began sobbing and apologizing out loud to God and asking him to forgive me. I’m sure these poor medical professionals thought I was nuts. I glanced over at Aaron with his stunned big eyes like saucers and his mouth wide open. As I was still weeping… He said ,”Oh my goodness, you just said @$^%$@%$! Haha! I have never heard you say that before!” I was horrified. Completely disappointed in myself and disgusted that I let it slip out loud. I try really hard not to think or say those words in my life, and in a flash of unprepared terror, I failed.
I know God forgave me for that. I am still embarrassed as I share this and wonder if it’s a mistake and people will think I’m horrible. I am baring my soul here people. Like a hospital patient with their backside out, I’m feeling pretty vulnerable. Please forgive me and bear with me while I get to my point. I don’t like watching shows, reading books, or listening to radio programs that have any foul language. I do that because I found out it’s apparently a weakness of mine. I don’t want to use those words. The truth is, those words aren’t anymore a sin than the word butt. Someone at some time decided that certain words were curse words. Why? It could have as easily been the word biscuit, wheatgrass, or turtle. In fact, I think the word wheatgrass SHOULD be a curse word. That stuff is foul. The point is that it for some reason, certain words have been deemed foul and I don’t want to offend anyone or lessen my testimony of God because of my conduct. I don’t want to cheapen or dull the light I am supposed to shine. To some people those words are a truly repulsive sin. I don’t know if they are to be honest. I feel like poop or Jimminy Cricket are all said in the same mindset. In fact, if you have cussed in front of me, I am not judging. I am only judging myself here. Different words are foul to different people for different reasons. It says
Titus 2:6-8 Young men likewise exhort to be sober minded. In all things shewing thyself a pattern of good works: in doctrine shewing uncorruptness, gravity, sincerity, Sound speech, that cannot be condemned; that he that is of the contrary part may be ashamed, having no evil thing to say of you.
To some, It would dull my example. I don’t want to lessen the glory of God in my life because of a week moment with a foul mouth.
Colossians 4:4-6 That I may make it manifest, as I ought to speak. Walk in wisdom toward them that are without, redeeming the time. Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.
I don’t want to be lukewarm. I want to be one with His spirit. If I grieve His Holy spirit with what I fill my body and mind with, I can’t be one with it any longer. It must withdraw from me because the Holy Spirit cannot be one with sin. I have to feed my soul with the things that delight the Holy spirit. I need to fill my time and thoughts with the things of God. With light, with His word, with His ways.
This week I got into an online conversation with a group of medical students and doctors. The person who created the conversation on this feed, was incredibly insulting and patronizing of the Fluoroquinolone information I have shared. For one reason or another, my blog post really rubbed him the wrong way and he didn’t hold back. He perceived me to be an ignorant “Mommy blogger”, who probably didn’t even know there are other drug families and blah blah blah.” I decided to reply directly and respectfully. I really don’t think he was prepared for that. Some doctors started supporting me and backing me up, I don’t think he knew how to respond to that either. He and a sidekick were fantastic at hurtling insults and judgements and I’d be lying if I didn’t say it rubbed me the wrong way as well. This feed really stressed me out. I had to pray to answer and it still gives me a yuck feeling in the pit of my gut. I am glad I never wrote anything I regretted though. It’s way more important that I don’t say something vile in retaliation, than it is to make a point at that level. My reminder scripture that I wrote on my chalk board wall this week was
Luke 10:27 And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself.
Sigh. James 1:2 My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;
Oh joy. Lord, I am trying, but it’s so hard and it hurts. How did your son do this? How did he not retaliate when he endured so much? Wow, I have a long way to go when I think about that.
What if I hadn’t fed my soul this week with this scripture? I firmly believe that God gave me that scripture in my mind out of nowhere because He knew exactly the divers temptation it would be to refrain from garbage coming out. Garbage in garbage out. Thankfully God fed me this week with the soul food I’d need.
I’ve moved on at this point. I know you can’t win them all. It’s just sad to me, but I did what I could.
The truth is that we are either living water or dry bones. There is no in between. We either nourish or dry up. We have the same effect on others depending whether we are full of life everlasting or death.
- Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,
The hand of the LORD was upon me, and carried me out in the spirit of the LORD, and set me down in the midst of the valley which was full of bones, 2And caused me to pass by them round about: and, behold, there were very many in the open valley; and, lo, they were very dry. 3And he said unto me, Son of man, can these bones live? And I answered, O Lord GOD, thou knowest. 4Again he said unto me, Prophesy upon these bones, and say unto them, O ye dry bones, hear the word of the LORD. 5Thus saith the Lord GOD unto these bones; Behold, I will cause breath to enter into you, and ye shall live: 6And I will lay sinews upon you, and will bring up flesh upon you, and cover you with skin, and put breath in you, and ye shall live; and ye shall know that I am the LORD. 7So I prophesied as I was commanded: and as I prophesied, there was a noise, and behold a shaking, and the bones came together, bone to his bone.
We have a lot of work to do. Let’s have some soul food.