Even if He won’t.


2nd Corinthians 4: 8 &9

We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair;

Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;

1st John 5:14 and 15 And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us:

And if we know that he hear us, whatsoever we ask, we know that we have the petitions that we desired of him.

Do you ever hear or say, “God really answered our prayer, or God is answering our prayers or God didn’t answer my prayer?” I have. I think I’ve said a couple of these on multiple occasions.  I read this scripture today and here is my thought trail.  This is the part that got me; “if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us.” What if we ask something NOT according to his will? Does he not hear it? I think he hears it. I think that sometimes the answer is just no.

Sometimes my kids drive me completely batty begging for something. “Mom, can I have this xbox game? I’ll pay for it? I have the money? Can I get it? Mom, can I? Can I have it?” Sometimes I’ll hear a slew of questions like this numerous times over numerous days. I usually am unsure that it’s in my kiddo’s best interest, or I have already decided and said no, and they aren’t taking no for an answer, because it’s not what they want to hear. Sometimes it’s because I’ve gotten it for them but it’s not their birthday yet and not time to give it to them. I wonder how many times this has been me to God? God, can I have this? Can you take this problem away? Can you change this? Can I have this now? How about now? How about now Please? Pleeeeeease? Pleeeeeeeeease?

I lost one of my best friend’s to cancer over a year ago. I had been begging for her healing for over 5 years. Begging. Fasting. Hoping and pleading. I remember the day I was walking out of my children’s school. She was walking in front of me and had come to watch some kiddos in her own family at the same school performance.  She was noticeably more frail. She was still beautiful with a breathtaking smile, in spite of her thin and shaky exterior. She carefully stepped off the curb. I will never forget this moment. I heard a soft but piercing voice in my mind. “Amy, I’m not going to heal her here.” What? God? Is that you? If it is, please no. Please please God, don’t take her. Please heal her. Please God. Please….I can’t even think that yet.

In a week and a half’s time, she was gone. I felt gut punched. My thoughts racing the moment I learned that she had gone. She thought she had at least a year. She said she would let me know when she felt it coming. She said she had things she wanted to get done, that she was working on…this is too fast. This can’t be right. It took several moments to really sink into my mind. Yanked out of my sleep with my thoughts still cloudy…she left while you were sleeping. NO! I didn’t get to say goodbye! How could I be asleep when she was leaving this earth? How did the earth not crack open or the ground shake? This rocked my world…and almost mockingly birds chirped and the earth turned on.

Now a year later and millions of thoughts since then, I can tell you that I wouldn’t wish her back. Three days before she passed, I had talked to her on the phone for about 45 minutes. She expressed that she was afraid of how bad it could get before the end really did come. We knew that a cure was not going to come, unless God granted a miracle. I said, “Well, the truth is, we can worry about that, and Jesus might come tomorrow and all this wouldn’t matter anymore.” I just didn’t know that Jesus was coming for her in a few days. All the worry and fear would melt away in an instant for her. She would slip gracefully out of this earth shell and into eternal glory, without one more worry about what the future held. She was freed. She is free and if I am right, probably laughing and visiting with all those she loved who went before her.

The answer to my prayer for God to save her from this awful cancer…was no. This would be the trial she carried till death. Unto death. She accepted God’s will. She was afraid like any of us would be, of the suffering it might entail, but she wasn’t unwilling to live whatever God’s will was. She knew it was the most important thing to live God’s will for her soul.

1st John 5:14 and 15 And this is the confidence that we have in him, that, if we ask any thing according to his will, he heareth us:

He heard us. The answer was no, because it wasn’t his perfect will, in the best interest of her soul or those who loved her.

Sometimes we don’t know why terrible things happen in this world. Sometimes we can’t understand it because we have the viewpoint of our little piece of the earth, and we can’t see how it all fits in with the tangled web of mankind and the plan of God that stretches from the creation of Adam and Eve…to the day that He wraps up all of this as a scroll. Trusting that God’s wisdom is far more vast than ours, is hard but oddly peace giving. Let’s say we refuse this idea. If I resist God’s will, does it change my difficult circumstances for me to forsake my faith? I don’t think so. It still doesn’t change my circumstances. From what I can tell, I can go through very hard circumstances with the knowledge that He is with me and strengthening me, or I can go through very hard circumstances all alone. I’m still going to go through the hard circumstances. I’d much rather do it with His help, peace and guidance.

Have you ever had a really good friend who was perfect? I haven’t. My friends are awesome, but not perfect. What if I was willing to be a great friend to them during all the good times, but added a clause of, “Should you put me through heartache, pain, or not do things my way…I am out. Peace out. I don’t need that hassle. I will be done.” Jesus and God promise to be there helping, forgiving, and loving us through all the heartache and grief we put them through, but sometimes in our heart we don’t realize that what we are saying is that we aren’t willing to go through hardship for them. Sometimes we don’t realize we must suffer for their name’s sake. Sometimes it’s our turn to take one for the team. Sometimes it’s our turn to love God unconditionally. Sometimes it’s our turn to be the friend who does something for Him.

I hear a lot of people say things that sound like they feel that their own happiness should be God’s will, because God should want us to be happy. God’s will is not to make us always feel good. Sometimes His will is for us to sacrifice. To suffer. To endure. To even die. I have yet to hear about the apostle who married their soul mate, bought a private yacht and retired to their own island in the Caribbean. In fact…they all suffered very difficult burdens and died fairly horrible deaths, all the while praising, loving and working for God.

While I don’t like that my way is not the best way every time…Don’t tell my husband I said this. I realize that it’s not. I’m short sighted, impatient, and I don’t like suffering. I like to be happy and I like to be without pain, but if it be God’s will I suffer something, I have to be ready to accept His will.

A friend of mine sang a song yesterday and it’s a song called “Even If” by Mercy Me. It is a song I love. I feel I have had to make the concious decision to love God, even if He doesn’t choose to do things my way.

I hope you enjoy this song. It expresses my thoughts and feelings even better than just words can. I hope it comforts and helps you the way it does for me. By the way…huge hug for whatever you are going through right now. For that thing you have been praying for for years…for the pain that won’t go away…for the soul you miss…for the trial that has no known expiration date…I hear you. I have mine too. I love you. God loves you, and some day, this will be so very worth it.



5 thoughts on “Even if He won’t.

  1. Just read your blog…..reading the scripture you referred to, I thought, this woman thinks so much
    like me. I just can hardly believe it Lord. I know precisely the thoughts you wrote about because
    I too have been badly wounded many times and yet, in spite of it, God is healing my wounds in
    my soul, slowly, one at a time, but my body still feels all the pain. But it’s okay because like David
    in Psalm 119, I now can say, it is good that I have been afflicted that I might learn His decrees.
    I would guess just like you Amy, that you’ve learned so much from Him through the suffering,
    that I too, say like Jesus did, if it be possible Father let this cup pass from me, NEVERTHELESS
    not my will, but Thine be done. For I myself have died and it is no longer I that liveth but Christ
    that liveth in me.Hallelujah for death to self, it’s so binding otherwise. Yes, His truth has set me
    free!………your sister in Christ, Jacqueline


    1. YES! YES! To all of what you said. Psalm 119 really started to sit differently with me over time. I realized I had to arrive at a certain place in my journey with God to understand it. That passage about when Jesus was in the garden and asks if there is any other way…soul saving. There is something so comforting to know that even Jesus was afraid and asks if there was another way. I also took awhile to realize that I was not being punished or forced into changing. Job was afflicted, suffered terribly, and still was in God’s favor. Job 1:1. Job was a perfect man from the land of Uz. If Job was perfect and had to go through this…I’m not perfect…why shouldn’t I have to suffer and be tried? It is so good to feel differently about scripture. It reads differently when you are going through trial than when you just casually read it.


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