The dung hill.

Dung Beetle

Here is a family pic. I’m on the left, that’s my hardworking husband on the right. Okay okay…not really. Sometimes it does feel like this though…

Psalms 113:7 He raiseth up the poor out of the dust, and lifteth the needy out of the dunghill;

Well…that’s real good news! I am in some dung.

I had an appointment with my surgeon yesterday. He is an excellent guy and I know his concern is genuine and he wants to make the right choices for my health and I do trust him. Judging from my last appointment, I thought I knew what today’s appointment would hold. I was wrong. My spine is unstable again and it’s been getting progressively worse. We tried injections and they helped some, but not enough to think that burning the nerves would grant the relief I need. I thought we would schedule surgery and I could at least set the healing time clock. Instead, my surgeon is very hesitant to fuse it yet. He is trying to push the timing out as far as he can. He is good to go back over the risks, but I know them, because I research the procedures my doctor’s suggest better than a Mayo Clinic research team. I am already worried. I know the reality of fusing this level, will start a domino effect that can’t be stopped without God. Once this level is fused, the other levels will likely begin falling over the course of several years, until my entire lumbar spine is fused to my thoracic spine. Not to mention that with any surgery there are a million variables that could go south. I’m overly aware of them because of my colorful 20 surgery past. This is dung. If I wait, and we don’t do surgery soon, I will indefinitely deal with being jarred awake by stabbing back pain as I fall asleep. If I’m lucky enough to stack the deck right and I find a sweet spot and get to sleep, I wake up with agonizing leg pain and weird numbness. Right now, I’m not able to function as well as I had been. I’m losing the strength I’ve busted my hind end to build up over the last year. Seven years of injuries and surgeries finally strengthened enough to hike, and the Indiana Jones Raiders of the Lost Arc dungball, is mowing me down between a rock and a hard place. I have to do a CT scan and see him back after that. Hopefully it will tell us what we need to know to make a decision. 

My predicament is not the worst it could be. I have so much to be thankful for. I severely tweaked my already cranky back on Monday. I could barely move. I should have known better than to benignly shift my hips and butt in the drivers seat. It wasn’t until searing pain shot through, that I realized that was a bad move. We live with just a wall between our home and my Mom and Dad in law’s home. Multiple times now, I’ve been super thankful they are a doorway away. They went to pick up my kids from school for me since I could barely get in the car. When I was trying to hobble around to make dinner and I was hurting, they both came in and helped me finish cooking, tidy up my kitchen, and my husband did my grocery shopping for me. Yesterday my appointment was running into the time I needed to pick up the kids from school. My brother who had the day off, got all the kids from 2 separate schools for me, brought his cute puppy over and hung out and played with the kids, kept me company, and ordered pizza. I am blessed to have the best situation for a difficult situation. 

My heart is torn over the state of our world. I feel the terrible tragedy that has happened in our country, closer than I can stand. My husband’s good friend from work, was at that Las Vegas concert with his wife. She was shot in the head and is currently fighting for dear life in ICU. He is waiting by her, hoping and praying he won’t have to raise their young children by himself. Today she was momentarily alert and responding, but right now, swelling threatens every moment of the life thread that hangs in the balance. 

There are families stranded with no homes, no power, unable to reach family and worrying about their next meal. Earthquakes, volcanoe’s, hurricane’s and massacre’s. There are orphans, mentally ill people living on the street and there are mass murderers lying in wait to strike. There is chaos and suffering all around. Do I think this means God fell asleep and allowed all this? Absolutely no. Suffering is inflicted by an evil being who comes only to divide, destroy and cause suffering. God is only ever good. He can not stop every tragedy and take all suffering. That would take away mankind’s free will. God will cause good to come out in these situations though. He is the love in the heart of strangers who open their homes to the homeless. He is the love in the heart of a stranger who covers their fellow man from gunfire with their own body. He is the love that causes us to rally and provide for the needs of others. He is the momentum behind the triumphs rising out of the ashes of tragedy. 

Job. A perfect man from the land of Uz.

Job 1:1  There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name was Job; and that man was perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evil.

Job lost everything but his un encouraging wife. He lost his home, his children, his livelihood, his health, and his friends. I can barely fathom that unbelievable anguish. If he was perfect, and he lost everything, and God still accomplished the good He did with Job’s story…God can certainly do amazing things still with the rest of our stories.

I tend to want to be very hard on myself for having down days. Thankfully my good days far outnumber them. If you know me closely, you know how much joy I find in just being with the people I love. I love life. I love my family and my friends. The dearest thing on this earth is the time I get to spend with them loving them. I have always loved people.  I feel a great deal of responsibility to be an encourager and not a discourager. I hate disappointing someone way more than I hate them being mad at me. Part of this dungball, is my worry that I will fail in my faith somehow and be a discouragement. No matter how you slice it, it is a weight that I feel. With that weight, I hate admitting that sometimes I am not okay. Sometimes I cry desperate, questioning tears and sometimes my attitude is fanturdstic. 

 I have asked God why this has to happen again. I don’t ask because I’m mad, or because I don’t think He is all wise, I ask because I want to know what He wants me to do with this trial. Is there something more you want me to do in this? So many times on those days, I know the obvious answer…endure Amy. Endure to the end. Whether the end is this instant in a miracle, or till the end of your possibly crippled life. Endure. Stand up. Have confidence in your Father in Heaven and His goodness…and heave hoe that dungball like a gloriously strong dung beatle sister!

Sometimes when there is great pain, I struggle to remember that dung is fertilizer. Our little teeny mustard seed of faith, sometimes requires a dunghill to grow. No one wants to be buried in dung, but we all want to become something glorious, and a pile of poo may be just what we need for that mustard seed to sprout. 

1st Peter 1:7 

That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at theappearing of Jesus Christ:

Today was a day for me to cry on my dunghill. The more I read the book of Job, the more I realize that we all have those moments in life when the burden feels so great, that we look up and say, I hate this. I hate this so bad! This is dung! This is so awful, Please take it away? I know God understands those days and our human frailties and our lack of sight into the future. He is merciful. The answer of course is that He is all wise. His ways are not our ways. We are to trust, submit, and love Him with all of our might mind and strength and get up, put our armor on, and start pushing or towing that dungball burden for as long as He wills. He has promised us that He will share the weight of it. His burden is still a burden, but so much lighter than the one we bear without Him. 

Mathew 11:28-30

28. Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

29. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

30. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

It’s okay to laugh at the dung sometimes. You might as well have a chuckle at the predicament while you sit on your dunghill deciding whether to sit and mope, roll it into a ball and bear it on your path in life, or grab a handful and sling that stuff like an Ape. My dark sense of humor takes over sometimes. I credit life tragedies for helping me see the humor in unfortunate situations. It has somehow helped me cope. Laughing is so much easier on my sinuses than crying. I am a hideously ugly crier. We all need a little giggle sometimes. Here is a dung beetle clip from a cartoon that I’ve watched with my kids. Now laugh and endure that dung ball no matter how big it gets. Consider yourself hugged. 





11 thoughts on “The dung hill.

  1. Reblogged this on The Wellness Prepper and commented:
    I have been following this fellow blogger for several months now. Amy Moser is a child of God. Importantly, her story is a tragic reminder of how much damage the antibiotic group, the Quinolones (Cipro, Levaquin etc) are capable of. I personally believe that many people’s walk thru chronic pain may have begun with a course or two of this particular class of drugs.
    Antibiotics are not innocuous. They don’t just ‘kill the bad stuff’ and leave everything good alone. The gut is damaged after each round, but the damage can spread beyond the gut as Amy’s story illustrates. Yes, there is a time and a place for antibiotics, but given that ONE in THREE antibiotic prescriptions are unnecessary (a CDC factual statistic), choose your battles wisely.
    Choose your tools wisely.
    Be proactive.
    Be preventative.
    Don’t be the one ASKING for an antibiotic at the Dr’s office.
    Don’t be a statistic.
    Use your wellness tools in your tool kit. If you don’t have any tools in that kit, let me know…. we need to talk. It doesn’t have to be that way. ~TWP


  2. I liked your metaphor of your mustard seed needing a dung hill. Wow, I’m sure by now then I must
    be under a massive dung mountain! I’ve been a Christian for 56 years and I’m finding this so hard
    to write because this should be a book, not just a comment on your blog. I’ve seen and experienced much pain of every kind and all I know is that according to Psalm 139:16, all that
    has unfolded in my life, is God’s ordained plan. There is still a lot I find difficult to understand
    except this:John 15:1-5 Every branch in me that bears NO fruit, He cuts off….Ouch! Then, every
    branch that does bear fruit, He prunes so that it will be even more fruitful……Ouch! I MUST
    remain in the vine because I, by myself, can bear no fruit for apart from Him, I CAN DO NOTHING. Yes, NOW this last line I do understand.


  3. I don’t often comment but I have followed your blog for awhile. I am sorry to read of the backward steps. It is tough to go through trials when the rest of the world is falling apart around us. Certainly, it helps to have the perspective that what we’re experiencing could be worse, but I also think it is a mistake when we feel like we just have to suck it up and move on because our situation isn’t as bad as that of others. I think you capture this juxtaposition well in your post. I also like your perspective on asking the Lord, “why?” May He grant you the strength and grace you need for these backward steps to your health. And … laughter! Such good medicine! Thanks for all you wrote. (And … my prayers are added for your friend harmed in the Las Vegas shooting.)


  4. Amy first of all, I am so sorry to hear of your friend. Please give us her first name so we can be in prayer for her and her family. Of course I have been in prayer for all of the victims of this and the weather related events. I was blessed to see a video of a street preacher standing outside the gates of the concert venue preaching the love of Christ as concert-goers entered. They heard the Word! Also, an Agnostic confessed in the aftermath, “There has to be a God!” God is and will use these dung hill moments to draw us close and strengthen our faith in Him. It is obvious in your writings, you have experienced that intimacy with the Lord. Thank you for being real! You remain in my prayers dear, sweet daughter of the Most High God.


  5. Amy,

    Im very sorry what you are going through. I am about 2 months out from Lavaquin. ( I was a happy healthy 30 year woman just walking through life and one pill changed it). The past two months have been a struggle I’ve been in excruciating pain. Ive recently discovered your blogs. I had no where to turn or what to think. As I read your blogs and read about your pain I see that you are very strong. I think to myself if you can do this so can I. You give me hope. Your words touch me as I am going through my own damage from this pill. You made me think in a different way instead of thinking why me? I was a good person why did this happen to me?As I hop on my computer with ever tendon in my body in pain. I think about what you have been going through the past 7 years. I was so clueless to life and what can happen. You give me strength.


    1. I really cannot express to you how much your words mean to me. I am thankful that God’s greatness and power can shine through the cracks of a broken body and soul. He is all wise and He knows what each one of us need. I need to know this isn’t just about me and that somehow my experience can help someone else. Your words strengthen me and give me the energy to keep moving. I know where you are and how hard it is. I promise you that if we keep giving this will over to God, He will keep us going and give us peace, and courage.


  6. Hi Amy,

    Sorry your back has gotten worse. I have constant back pain that started a year and a half ago. Waking up from sleep is the worst. I wonder if I’ll have to get a fusion eventually. Over the last few years I have not visited many floxing sites because they bring me down too much. I used to have hope in healing. I did believe 100% that I would recover but now after 5 years of getting worse it is too hard to stomach reading about this horrifying, quality of life destroying reaction that has no cure. I used to be extremely active and now I am in constant pain. I can’t do anything anymore it feels like, not even art or music. Unfortunately I have neurological issues, along with visual distortion, in addition to my body wide connective tissue damage. I cannot enjoy this life any longer because I am not an active participant in life anymore. My life is mainly about struggling to maintain my job, suffering and paying bills. I have lost so much but I’ll spare you the full sob story.

    The reason I visited your site is because it is faith based. I don’t take life at face value. I believe there is a deeper reality. We are not here by nothing and for nothing. We do not exist because of billions of mutations that somehow allowed for a positive improvements in species progression that led to male and female human beings (at the same time). The theory of macro evolution is absurd if you take into account that the universe typically leads to more disorder and mutations generally lead to dysfunction, not higher function. There is a higher power. There is a God. Jesus is the ultimate salvation of this bleak earthly existence of pain, suffering, sin, chaos, injustice and death.

    My flox reaction was bizarre. Most of my symptoms came almost a year after taking Cipro and progressively got worse over the years. So many issues developed, even typing now is a struggle compared to how I used to fly with this keyboard. I had full faith that I would recover or that God would heal me. I have prayed and prayed and prayed asking for healing and then ultimately asking for death. I have received neither. Unlike you, I have grown to hate life, in this state that is, but now I can only see the rest of my life remaining in this state. Constant pain, suffering, depression with seemingly no way out of it except death which won’t seem to come unless I make it, which I won’t do because that is God’s business of when I die. I feel like I am prayed out. I read the bible but it seems like only the Jobs, the Ecclesiastes, the Psalms 88’s of the bible speak to me the most now. The Debbie downer scriptures to most normal, blessed people that can live their lives without knowing of the horrors of floxing or other painful disease states with absolutely no cure.

    You mentioned a 1 Peter verse. I get that this could be a testing of faith. What does that mean? To see if we will fall away from the Lord completely from anger or unanswered prayers? Or to o see if we will lose faith in healing? To see if we will stop believing that there is a higher good and holy power in the universe? To see if we will stop praying, reading our bibles? What?

    To be honest, I don’t pray as much anymore. I don’t feel like God is listening to me. I feel like He has shut me out most of the time. Sometimes I ask, what did I do to make God so mad at me? Which one of my past (or present sins) did He take so much offense to that I must suffer this intensely for the rest of my days on this earth while others around me are able to enjoy their existence. Maybe that’s why I’ve read Job SO many times over the last 5 years. Job, however has a happy ending. I really at this point cannot forsee a happy ending to my life. Only in my death it seems, can there be a happy ending. When soul is released from this ruined body.

    Sometimes I ask myself, Why pray? I know we are asked to pray so I still do but deep down I almost see no point in it. It feels like God has blocked my calls and I’m leaving messages on a voicemail that nobody checks. Is this the test? Allow a storm of pain, suffering, isolation, depression, loneliness, hopelessness and dysfunction with no help and no answers and no death to relieve any of it?

    I make myself thank God through this. I thank Him for my incredible wife of 3 years who has had to put up with all of this and is still by my side. I thank the Lord for a slight improvement in cognitive function and anxiety over the last year since I had my mercury fillings replaced. I thank Him for a reality to come where there is no more sorrow or crying or pain, these things will be gone forevermore. Amy will you pray for my healing, my death or for the Lord to show me what is to be done with this suffering for His glory through the rest of my time on this earth?


    1. Hi Michael, I am so terribly sorry you are dealing with all of this. I know how low it can bring you. There was a period of time that I also prayed for death. I can identify with your thoughts so much. I believe 1st Peter 1:6-9, is the scripture you are referring to. My personal belief pertaining to the trial of our faith, is that our entire life is the trial of our faith. We make a decision to believe in God and His goodness and we make a commitment to Him. I think at some point I realized that I don’t even know what I truly believe until it’s tested to the brink. Only when our faith is tested to the brink of losing it, will we know if our faith will withstand and endure. I don’t think trials are God throwing stumbling blocks at us. I believe trials are just part of living in an imperfect world with imperfect people. I believe God is rooting for us. I believe He sent His son to give us a chance because He loves us. I believe all of this is probably too complex for our human minds to fully comprehend. I don’t know why certain things are taken away in miracles and why other grievous trials are left. I sure don’t have the wisdom of God, but I do believe He is good and only has the intent for good towards us. I have to really prune my thoughts down to the bare bones when I’m facing these thoughts. The farthest I can bring my thoughts down to is that Jesus had to suffer and endure, and he died an unfair brutal death though he was completely innocent. Why would I deserve a better life than he had? I don’t. I actually deserve to pay for my sin, but my sentence was lifted by Jesus when he took upon him my sin, and paid the ransom for me. When I look at it this way, how can I pray to God with the thought that I deserve less suffering than His own son who was innocent? I just can’t. I believe when it says that we are to give our bodies as a living sacrifice, that part of that means enduring whatever we have to in this life, sacrificing our will for God’s will. Jesus gave his life for us, and when we give our lives to God, we electively sacrifice our lives to accomplish His will. Ultimately we do this because we know and have faith that God is loving and Good like a Father and His wisdom is far greater than our own. My life looks nothing like I pictured it would. I wanted to be a nurse and somehow I am stuck as a patient. I wanted to keep playing volleyball, and I was pretty good at it. That is just off the table now. I never wanted to be a writer, and yet here I am. The best part is that I can find joy where I am even right now, if I release what could have been, and accept what is. I do this almost daily. It isn’t easy. I just have to make a decision to make good of what I still have. I suppose Paul was trying to portray this when he talks about asking God to heal him 3 times, but God said no. His grace was sufficient. God loved Paul. He wasn’t being cruel. God knew Paul’s testimony would touch me even hundreds of years later. Who knows how many souls he has inspired. We are all writing our own testimony with our lives. I’m writing the Book of Amy. You are writing the book of Micheal. We get to decide how our book ends. Whether it ends as inspiration or discouragement is all our decision. I have to remake that choice every day, as do all of us. I will absolutely pray for you. We are all in this life together and we need each other. Huge hugs to you and my prayers as well.


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