Live and “On Air.”

Jesus and me

My 11 month old nephew was here yesterday. He makes me feel like a million bucks when he reaches for me. I look down at him and my heart melts. Every time he needs something, his little arms go up and out and he begs to be held. When he is unsettled, afraid, hurt, lonely, or just plumb tired, he reaches up toward me and those arms beg to be held. It struck me how much I am an 11 month old to God. When I hurt for anything, I beg to be held. It’s no wonder He calls us His little ones. 

I have a real problem with fear. I know God is faithful and good and I believe that, and He has always proved that completely. My fear surfaces when I look at things like physical pain or loss and I fear what the future could hold concerning those things. I know how miserable I have been when terrible physical pain has struck or I lost someone I loved deeply. There is just none of me that wants to experience those things again and the thought brings me dread. Those things aren’t a weakness of God, they are my own personal weakness. I struggle to leave the outcome of those things in His hands. I know He is all wise, but sometimes we have to go through things that are completely awful but for our own soul’s good, and I fear what those things could be sometimes. This scares me. I know how bad it hurts to wake up from a lumbar fusion. I remember with my last lumbar fusion, wishing they could put me in a coma and wake me up 8 weeks later when the worst of it was over. Just thinking about it gives me tightness in my chest and I get teary eyed. I don’t want to have to do this, but I am losing ground. I had to throw in the towel on hiking over a month ago. It felt like a defeat and that is rough to swallow. I know it’s temporary, but it had felt like such a triumph in my life and not being able to do it anymore is messing with my mind. Sleeping is a struggle, watching my movement and posture all day is hard, and even regular walking ticks things off. I can’t sit or stand a long time so I have to frequently alternate to keep things calmed down. I’m doing something I never wanted to do again. I’m electing to have a lumbar fusion.

I was starting to have major anxiety this week. The day before my appointment with my surgeon, I was almost mind pacing back and forth with anxiety.  I felt preoccupied with self doubt and frustration in not knowing with 100% certainty what God wants me to do, and what the outcome will be. I so badly want to make the right decision and do God’s will concerning possible surgery. The moment my back clunks or shifts, I solidly decide it’s the right thing to go forward with surgery. After a few hours without it shifting, I go back to undecided and maybe I should wait. This has been all day every day since it first started. I have been taking one day a week and fasting for a handful of concerns for the last few months. it’s been good for my soul. Tuesday, I did just that again. I was writing a blog post and I stumbled across the song I shared on my last blog post called, “I won’t let you go,” by Switchfoot. Lauren Daigle had appeared on my YouTube subscriptions, talking about how she impromptu recorded a version of it in the studio with them. I’d never heard of it, so I clicked on the completed version of the song, and it nearly smacked me into alertness. This song was written for me for this exact moment. These are the lyrics:

When it feels like surgery
And it burns like third degree
And you wonder what is it worth?
When your insides breaking in
And you feel that ache again
And you wonder
What’s giving birth?
If you could let the pain of the past go
Of your soul
None of this is in your control
If you could only let your guard down
You could learn to trust me somehow
I swear, that I won’t let you go
If you could only let go your doubts
If you could just believe in me now
I swear, that I won’t let you go
I won’t let you go
When your fear is currency
And you feel that urgency
You want peace but there’s war in your head
Maybe that’s where life is born
When our façades are torn
Pain gives birth to the promise ahead
If you could let the pain of the past go
Of your soul
None of this is in your control
If you could only let your guard down
If you could learn to trust me somehow
I swear, that I won’t let you go
If you could only let go your doubts
If you could just believe in me now
I swear, that I won’t let you go
I won’t let you go
I’ll always be by your side
Yeah
If you could only let your guard down
If you could learn to trust me somehow
I swear, that I won’t let you go
If you could only let go your doubts
If you could just believe in me now
I swear, that I won’t let you go
I won’t let you go
(I won’t let you go)
There ain’t no darkness strong enough that could tear you out from my heart
There ain’t no strength that’s strong enough that could tear this love apart
Never gonna let you go
Never gonna let you go
No I won’t let you go
 
Uhhhhhh yeah. Written for my exact moment in time. I’m sure it’s touched others, but whoa. I felt in that moment that God was guiding me toward surgery and letting me know He will be in every moment of it with me, He won’t let me go. For some reason, this course of events needs to take place and I need to keep learning how to trust Him in this valley.
 
The next day my appointment with my surgeon went well. I actually love the man. Not in any creepy way, but in a way that I deeply appreciate who he is and how much he values his work. I also know he really cares. He is a Godly man, and he doesn’t shy away from me talking about God and that is immensely comforting. If someone is gonna dink around and have a party with metal instruments in my spine, I want it to be a caring and praying person. We decided to go forward with another fusion to stabilize the level that is slipping. I still kick myself because I should have gotten up and hugged him right then. Unfortunately, I’d been waiting, sitting for over an hour and a half and my back gets stiff and sore and I knew I couldn’t jump up and catch him fast enough without it being awkward.
 
My appointment for my pre op with my primary care doctor was the next morning on Thursday. It’s a stupid long drive to her office especially in rush hour traffic. I had 45 min ahead of me and about half way there, I had been praying out loud in anxiety in my car. I was praying a confession of fear and worry and I told God what He already knows.  I told Him that even though He is faithful, I am so scared. I’m scared of making the wrong choice and I’m scared of at least 100 different things attached to that one worry. The “what if’s” are assaulting my brain like machine-gun fire.  I was asking forgiveness and for help with it. I told him that I know my fear isn’t because He lacks, it’s because I lack trust. I ended my prayer and drove in silence for a minute or so before deciding to switch the radio on. K love is my station. When I switched it on, the perfect song was playing. This particular song was texted to me by of my best friends on a particularly horrible night a couple months ago. She had just felt I’d needed to hear it.  This song  talks about fear and asking, “God Help me.” It’s by Plumb.
 
It was the absolute perfect song to have at that moment. I already felt moved and comforted by that song right then. The radio went silent and then a loud voice pierced the silence with, “FEAR NOT, LITTLE AMY!” I almost had a heart attack right then. It’s miraculous, I didn’t accidentally drive right into a cactus right then. I could barely believe what I’d just heard, I was so confused. After listening for another couple moments, I realized the host’s names were Skip and Amy.  They began talking about Christmas music. In what realm, would it be normal to format this sentence?  “FEAR NOT, LITTLE AMY!” It’s not normal! Especially not normal leading into a conversation about Christmas music, but that is exactly what the radio show host had said. I had to sit and think about how profound this actually was before it sank in. For one, I just wrote a blog post a couple weeks ago about how God see’s all of us as His, “little ones.” His children. I wrote about this in my entry, “Strong Willed Child.” https://mountainsandmustardseedssite.wordpress.com/2017/10/25/strong-willed-child/
Not only that, but my own personal scripture that I refer to as “MY SCRIPTURE,” is:
Isaiah 41-10
 
Isaiah 41:10 
 
I call this my scripture because God has given it to me in about 1000 unpredictable unlikely ways right when I need it. It’s in cards, on the radio, written by someone else’s child in Sunday school and then this same sweet child decided to randomly give it to me. I say randomly, but we all know these things are not random. It’s not random for a radio show host leading into a talk about Christmas music, to use the very words that I would recognize immediately as God answering the very prayer I’d just finished, not even a full 60 seconds ago. 
 
“FEAR NOT, LITTLE AMY!” Oh my goodness. There are no other words that could have hit me more profoundly in that exact moment. He even said my name! I know Skip wasn’t talking to me, but God sure was.  God was “live and on air!” I laughed and cried and then laughed some more and told God, “Thank you, thank you !!! You are SO awesome!”
 
Funny thing…I got to my Doc appointment, to find out my Doc wouldn’t see me until the 15th, so it would be within 30 days of my surgery date. They called to tell me this three minutes before my Doctor’s appointment as I was walking out of the bathroom and into their office. Nice timing. My surgeon’s office wanted me to get it done ASAP so they could stick me in a cancellation if one came up. After going back and forth with this info, my Doctor’s nurse and the front desk lady, I gave up, rescheduled, and left. Twenty minutes later on my way home, the surgeon’s office called. I got a cancellation. I could have done the appointment. Ahhh! I started getting real annoyed until I remembered that I was supposed to be in the car praying and then listening to the radio on that exact day and at that exact moment in time, so that God could tell me to, “Fear not, little Amy.”
Sunday morning, one of my personal favorite ministers, was preaching. His sermons always pierce my heart. He has a way of looking at things differently and it always is exciting to hear what he is going to say. His sermon was about drumroll….Praising God through trial and trusting that God is working it for our good. I sat in my pew with my pillow behind my back, with tears just a rollin like a river down my cheeks. These things are not random or coincidence. I know some could say they are, but when you believe that God is ever present and always trying to lead when we ask…these things do not hit like random coincidence. These things hit like a donkey kick to the chest. They can suddenly freeze you stunned in a moment where you know with 100% certainty, that you are God’s, He has claimed you as His, He knows your name, and He loves you so very very much. If there is something I’d hope for everyone, it would be one of these moments in time. If you haven’t heard it today, I feel that God is prompting me to tell you that God has claimed you as His. He has bought you with pure love, His son. He knows your name, and He loves YOU so very very much. 
 
I know this is long, but I needed to share the testimony that last week held. God is always good, even when I fall so so short. He puts together minute details at exactly the right moments to leave His gorgeous graceful God fingerprints all over our lives, even through the hard times. So much of life, is just taking the next baby step and asking God to somehow direct us in the darkness with a blindfold on. He has this way of placing our footsteps and guiding us with gentle breezes and a still small voice. If He always talked to us audibly and we could see Him, it wouldn’t require faith. We find that we have to constantly be tuning our ears to hear the smallest whispers of direction or discernment. It’s an active constant desire to do God’s will and an effort on our part that it is so very important. The more we train ourselves to hear and feel those movements on our mind and heart, the more we can trust that the next step in the darkness, will be guided by God. 
Romans 5:1-4 

1. Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ:

2. By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

3. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

4. And patience, experience; and experience, hope:

 

I am so glad God cares about the concerns of my heart. I know that so many times in my life, through the murky swamp of confusion and decision, He has towed me through it. He has never left me there to rot, though I find my deepest human fear is that He would leave me alone. It is no wonder that it’s one of the promises He has reiterated to us repeatedly.  He will never leave us alone. 

Isaiah 41:10 Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.

“Fear not, little Amy.” Just praise Him, seek Him, love Him, obey Him, and lay your life down to Him, for He is always good.

Psalms 138

(A Psalm of David.) I will praise thee with my whole heart: before the gods will I sing praise unto thee.

2. I will worship toward thy holy temple, and praise thy name for thy lovingkindness and for thy truth: for thou hast magnified thy word above all thy name.

3. In the day when I cried thou answeredst me, and strengthenedst me with strength in my soul.

4. All the kings of the earth shall praise thee, O LORD, when they hear the words of thy mouth.

5. Yea, they shall sing in the ways of the LORD: for great is the glory of the LORD.

6. Though the LORD be high, yet hath he respect unto the lowly: but the proud he knoweth afar off.

7. Though I walk in the midst of trouble, thou wilt revive me: thou shalt stretch forth thine hand against the wrath of mine enemies, and thy right hand shall save me.

8. The LORD will perfect that which concerneth me: thy mercy, O LORD, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands.

 
I want to leave you with the song that Laura sent. The song that was on the radio right before God talked to me through a radio host:

8 thoughts on “Live and “On Air.”

  1. The outcome of your surgery is NOT based on your faith! Neither is it based on your fearlessness,
    it is based on who He is and His words. Thank God, that in spite of your fear, regardless, His
    plan is what WILL happen because of HIS faithfulness. If all of our outcomes were based on our
    faith and fearlessness, I hate to think how life would turn out. Because more often than not, we
    don’t live up to our end of the bargain, right? BUT, HE does! ALWAYS! Just bask in this truth, His
    truth. It’s why we love Him so much, to the point that no words express why or how we love Him……… Hallelujah! I too have been where you are, no, you are never alone Amy.

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  2. Amy, am so excited by what I just read in John 20. Just had to tell you! In verse 1 it was Mary
    Magdalene who was the first to visit the tomb…..you know, the one who had been forgiven much!
    Well, of course there was a lack of understanding about Jesus rising again on the 3rd day. SO,
    guess who but Mary Magdalene, who in verse 11 had returned to the tomb and looked into it to
    be privileged to see the 2 Angels and they asked her why she was crying. She told them and then, (this is Mary Magdalene) she turned around and saw Jesus standing there! She finally
    realized it was Him, in verse 16. I say all this to make this point Amy for you and me.It was NOT
    because of her great faith or because she was a “perfect” follower that Jesus treated her this way!
    It’s all too good to actually be true! But not for Jesus, because of the simple fact that He loved her!
    And He chose that it would be her that had these special experiences! Be blessed………

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  3. Thank you, Amy. I, too, am one of God’s kids, who has had this frustrating fear inside my spirit, my heart, since I was a child. (And after my mother died suddenly at home, when I was 14, and my siblings were 12, 10, and 4), the fear just intensified. It comes and it goes. Mostly, as you said, I worry about my loved ones. BUT ~ since coming to Christ as my Savior (and my Friend), years ago; I now know to deal with this fear as a warrior in prayer. I just wanted to tell you this, and again, thank you SO much for your blog. Your words are deep reaching and a salve to our spirits because of your relationship with our Lord and Savior. It will be my go to place to feel lifted up. Praying for your continued healing!

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    1. Debbie, thank you so much for your comments. They mean a huge deal to me. It’s so comforting to have people that understand these struggles and to be able to comfort eachother through them. God really is so awesome. It’s amazing how far reaching one blessing can be. If we all shared all of our blessings, it would be magnificent. It’s the feast He provides us. Huge hugs to you!!!

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