Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

God closes doors sometimes. The trick is, not hanging on so tight, you get your fingers caught in the door. When I graduated high school, I had a plan. I was an art major, and I had 3 different scholarships towards that goal. I was going to work towards being a high school art teacher. I made it into the same college as my best friend Ashley. We shared a dorm room, school started, and things were really good, until they weren’t. I started to get sick before Thanksgiving. I loved college, it was fun, and I’d quickly met some wonderful friends. I started having pain in my sides and running a fever. I was diagnosed with UTI and given an antibiotic. Thankfully not a Fluoroquinolone one. That train wreck took place years later. At any rate, it just wouldn’t stay gone. It came back over and over. By Christmas, I wasn’t doing so hot. I went home and saw a specialist who did some invasive testing and found I had scar tissue in the bladder. It was most likely caused by a horrible kidney infection I’d gotten in high school, that caused a 106 degree fever, and landed me on IV antibiotics. I had to have a procedure that kept me away from the spring semester of college. When I finally healed, I started working at a daycare. Shortly after, my sister and I were rear ended in a car accident. We both got hurt, and while recovering, I had to quit the daycare job. I began feeling like everything I touched, just combusted. Through a story too long to share in this one post, my whole plan changed. I’d been divinely placed on a river raft, that I wasn’t going to steer, it was going to take me for a ride. I encountered jobs, college majors, a couple boyfriends, and even 3 states. Through a series of unfortunate events, I was spun around till I was too dizzy to see the map I’d made myself, and it forced me to pause and think while I gained my fortitude. Okay God, if this isn’t what you wanted, can you please help me figure out what you do want? I hadn’t made a plan contrary to God, or in opposition to Him. I was just way off track for His end goal, and He had to begin shutting the door.

I had to ask myself a question. Will I still love God if he doesn’t do it the way I want or expect? If God say’s no, can I accept it? Sometimes temptation doesn’t lead us to the creepy forest, sometimes it looks like everything we ever dreamed of…and the horror, is in forgetting that we need God and that this time here is temporary. His will is far more important in the scheme of things, than my plan.

Ironically, I am still asking myself this same question. I know God said He would heal me, but it would take a long time, and I’d need to be patient. I’m not all healed yet, and it’s approaching 8 years. What if I don’t understand exactly what God means by that? Does it really matter? Maybe it doesn’t. Maybe trusting Him in spite of not understanding, is really the key to every situation I can’t predict, and control the outcome of.

Sometimes we want seemingly good things, but they aren’t necessarily good things for us on a divine level. I thought my plan was good. By all worldly standards, it was a good plan. Go to college, graduate, success. God had a different plan. Instead, He redirected me, to what I needed spiritually. There was a better plan than mine. He was closing a door to what was not best for me, and opening the door to what was.

You guys, it hurt, a lot. I was in major emotional turmoil. I felt lost, upset, and confused. I even felt like I was a failure. It felt like everything was going wrong, when in fact, God was just turning me around, like one of those walk through revolving glass doors. I could see where I wanted to go, but I was coaxed away from it. Now, seeing the other side, and how this particular confusing time panned out, I understand. I don’t know why this has to happen in so many manners in my life, and yet I go through those same emotions of lost, upset, confused, and failure, every time. God always makes it work better than the plan I made. His goals encompass the whole path and the goal, and mine only see one step ahead.

Have you ever noticed, when you talk to someone who no longer believes in God, but once did…that they usually tell you it’s because of something God did or didn’t do in their lives? Lot’s of people who no longer believe in God, really just sound angry with Him. It sounds like they are actually just really upset that God closed the door, and when they refused to let go, they got their fingers munched. They are still angry and hurt, and ultimately sound like they decided not to believe, because God allowed suffering in their lives. I’m sorry, I’m saying this very bare bones and directly. This is my personal observation. I think that if we aren’t careful, we can start thinking this way. There is danger in believing we know what is right for our souls. We don’t. Only God does. He has a foresight that we don’t.

God is not made in our own image, we are made in His. He does things differently than we understand sometimes.  His ways are higher than our ways.

Isaiah 55:8 & 9

8. For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD.

9. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

How many times have you heard, “My God wouldn’t allow suffering, or children to starve, or there to be assault, or murder.” The reasoning seems to be, that because there is suffering, there is no God; but even God suffers. He suffers heartbreak, and His son suffered in every way we can.

Hebrews 5:8&9

8. Though he were a Son, yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered;

9. And being made perfect, he became the author of eternal salvation unto all them that obey him;

God is the King that sits among His children. He is not the king on a throne, above the suffering of His people. This is a God who promises to sit in the trenches with us. Who bought us with the blood of His precious son. I cannot know or understand all of God’s reasoning or ways. I am not wiser than God, and cannot mold Him to fit into my box. He is not my God to dictate, I am His to mold. We are created in His image, He is not made into ours. Just because He doesn’t fit into our understanding, doesn’t make Him any less real. His kingdom is one of order, and law,  but it’s also a kingdom He rules from the throne with wisdom and love.

Trusting this is difficult, but we are talking about our Father in Heaven, who formed galaxies, the earth, and all things therein. We are talking about the formation of atoms and molecules working in perfect organization, to keep the circle of life going, for generations upon generations. This is who we pray to. I can barely even fathom it. I can’t wait to see all of this through His eyes some day. I want to understand all of it. I am sure that eternity holds endless understanding and wonder, and I can’t wait to experience it.

When we find ourselves on that river raft, floating out of our control, this is when we hunker down. Assume the safety position. Get on our knees, and we pray for God to direct us, and help our boat wash ashore, to wherever He wants us.

Psalms 61:2

From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

So many times in my life, I have had to push my understanding aside. I’m learning to not regard it more highly than I regard God’s wisdom and how I am not as wise as He is. I don’t understand why certain things happen, and why others don’t. There are so many different possibilities, and I only can guess a few of them, but God knows. The only way for me to have real peace, is for me to lay those things at God’s feet and trust Him to do the wise thing with them. He proves Himself over and over, and I have to remember that sometimes. The unknown, will be the same way. He will prove Himself there as well. I just don’t see it yet.  As long as I’m praying for His will to be done, it will be.

The river raft I boarded, washed up in Arizona. It brought my husband, 3 beautiful children, and wonderful friends, as well as a church family. God wanted me here. He had divine reason. There are times, he hasn’t allowed my raft to go on adventures and pursuits, that I really wanted to go on, but I know He anchors this raft, when He see’s my plans would wreck me. I always have to run what I want, by God. I gotta check myself, before I wreck myself.

There would be more crazy wild rides on that raft, but God keeps bringing me safely to shore, no matter how rough the rides are. Some day, I wait with excitement, to wash up onto the shore of Heaven. For now, I am left with these instructions for every decision to be made.

Proverbs 5-23

5. Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

6. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

7. Be not wise in thine own eyes: fear the LORD, and depart from evil.

8. It shall be health to thy navel, and marrow to thy bones.

9. Honour the LORD with thy substance, and with the firstfruits of all thine increase:

10. So shall thy barns be filled with plenty, and thy presses shall burst out with new wine.

11. My son, despise not the chastening of the LORD; neither be weary of his correction:

12. For whom the LORD loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.

13. Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding.

14. For the merchandise of it is better than the merchandise of silver, and the gain thereof than fine gold.

15. She is more precious than rubies: and all the things thou canst desire are not to be compared unto her.

16. Length of days is in her right hand; and in her left hand riches and honour.

17. Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace.

18. She is a tree of life to them that lay hold upon her: and happy is every one that retaineth her.

19. The LORD by wisdom hath founded the earth; by understanding hath he established the heavens.

20. By his knowledge the depths are broken up, and the clouds drop down the dew.

21. My son, let not them depart from thine eyes: keep sound wisdom and discretion:

22. So shall they be life unto thy soul, and grace to thy neck.

23. Then shalt thou walk in thy way safely, and thy foot shall not stumble.

I pray you feel reassurance in your life today, and that you know that God has a beautiful plan for good in your life. Big hugs my friends!