Need rescue! Under heavy fire from the enemy! Some casualties! Need assistance immediately! I’m sending up prayers like flares into the heavens. If there is no help; there are no survivors.
I have more than I can handle. This handicap situation is no joke. I don’t buy anything on the bottom 2 shelves of the grocery store because I can’t bend over to reach it. It’s physically painful to shave my legs. I can’t lean on my left arm, because my shoulder will dislocate, or my left wrist will snap painfully. Both are still unstable. I can’t step down off a curb straight with my left leg. My knee will buckle and lightening like dagger pain will shoot through it. I can’t lift, squat, jump, or run. I can’t ride amusement park rides with my kids. I can’t put anything heavy in my oven, or take out my own kitchen trash. I can’t empty the pool filter or mow my lawn, or carry a basket full of clothes. I can’t sleep in any position but on my back with a certain neck pillow and my knees on pillows and a pillow under my feet. I can’t chew well done meat because of the arthritis in my jaw. This is only the short list of I can’ts. It absolutely infuriates me sometimes. I hate the word “can’t.” I’ve based my life choices on “can.” But this I cannot change. I am in prison in my own body, and the sentence is until God will pardon me. I navigate this situation every single day. I have to be conscious of every movement 24/7, down to how far my fused neck will turn. I think about 90% of my movements, all day, every single day. Sudden startling pain reminds me when I cross the line, and even when I don’t push it, pain is there every moment. I don’t remember what it feels like to not have pain. Lately to top it off, I have had a horrendous sore throat since June, and I’m still waiting on results as to why. It’s just another bullet ding in the armor.
Rescue sounds like it should be removal and escape, but sometimes it is neither. Sometimes rescue is a supply drop, air support, or ground support. It’s the promise that we are not fighting this war by ourselves. Two weeks ago I had the great honor of speaking at a church about an hour from where I live. I was asked to speak on the subject of contentment. When I first got this request to come speak, I was in the hospital with the collapsed lung and a tube in my chest. I was like…”Um, I don’t think I’m your best candidate.” Contentment was not the prevailing thought going through my mind. This opportunity turned out to be an incredible experience to which I am so grateful.
I got to speak about the secret in all of this. I have been given everything I need to survive whatever God wills. This isn’t due to my own strength, it’s due to His. Corrie Ten Boom, wrote a book called “The Hiding Place.” She was put in a concentration camp with her sister during WWII. They were naked, starving, persecuted, and tortured, in a concentration camp, and she lost the person on earth she loved the most; Yet her faith endured. Our soul is filled with eternal strength when we have Jesus with us. There is a power that is infinite and constant. God is our source of strength. Everything in this life will fail us, because it is unpredictable and perishable. God is neither.
I used to roll my eyes at the Apostle Paul’s seemingly impossible positivity. Where he writes:
11. Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.
12. I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need.
13. I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.
14. Notwithstanding ye have well done, that ye did communicate with my affliction.
To make this passage even more befuddling, he wrote this from prison, in which he was serving time for preaching the gospel. I used to be skeptical of his contentment because I didn’t totally understand it. How can you be, “full and hungry,” at the same time? I think I finally get it now. Not just grasp it, but actually bask in it.
I have an incredibly good life. I am surrounded by love ones. I have all I need when it comes to necessities. My want comes in the form of desired relief from physical pain. I can both be grateful for what I already have, and wanting of what I still hope for in Christ. Priority must be in God doing His work within my heart and life, and not within the accomplishing of worldly goals and comforts. Paul understood this to his core. The object of this entire life, is to grow in our relationship with God, follow the footsteps of Christ, and set that example to lead other souls back to God. My focus has to be in appreciation of the blessings I’ve already been given, and desire must be placed in God accomplishing in me, what is necessary for my soul’s salvation, and the salvation of those around me. That is our purpose here. This is our war
The head of a military, a Commander and Chief, must make decisions based on the entire picture. He has to see both the large and small. he knows about one of his men being held captive by the enemy. He knows about potential threats, losing battles, winning battles, casualties, and his men in active combat on the ground. This is us. The whole picture is us, and our Commander and Chief is God. He see’s my flares coming up signaling for rescue, but he also knows that His actions don’t just affect me. They affect everyone around me. Maybe He can’t send in a chopper and remove me from this fight, because it is not time yet, and someone else is being positively affected by my situation or maybe the enemy is even being negatively influenced by my situation. He can’t take only me into consideration. We are all connected and our situations send out ripple effects. God is good and He does always help. Sometimes he drops supplies in the form of satisfying a need or want. Sometimes He sends in troops to help support by way of the right friends to encourage and have our back. Sometimes he is calling angels to touch us with a spirit of peace and calm in spite of the chaos. Someday though, someday He will remove us from this, and we will never have to be part of this war again. I look forward to that day. That is what I hunger for.
I will continue to fight this war. Contentment comes by way of the knowledge that I am not alone. God is always with me and aware, and considering each of our souls. If I am still in this earthly prison of a body, there must still be a purpose in it. It is my duty and honor to be part of this army of the Lord. I have a higher calling that just myself. I am thankful for every relief and also wanting of God’s ultimate triumph in all of this. It is an honor serving and fighting with you. I’m sending up prayer flares for you too.
Phillipians 4:19 and 20
19. But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.
20. Now unto God and our Father be glory for ever and ever. Amen.
Whatever you are dealing with tonight, I hope you find your soul rescued with any relief that God calls out. This experience of speaking to a large group of women, was an opportunity that I am so thankful that I took. Fear and anxiety easily could have led me to pass on it, but I am so glad I didn’t. This women were incredible warriors as well and I have gotten the unique opportunity to connect with some of them afterwards. They just filled my heart. This song by Lauren Dangle, is my battle cry right now. I wish I could sing it and someday when this throat is relieved, I will. I love you each. Huge Hugs.
13 thoughts on “Mayday!!!! Mayday!!!”
I’m truly sorry for all you have gone through and will continue to go through. I cannot imagine. You are very strong and amazing. I’m praying for you. I am going to try to change my attitude if I ever complain about doing a task. Thank you for the perspective shift. You are ministering to so many in your suffering. May God bless you.
Awe Karen, thank you so much. I know you understand. We will fight together. Huge hugs!
One reason God still has you here is to give voice for others who are ‘in the same boat’. I woke up this morning thinking I simply can’t face another day of this pain. I have to have a break. Only there isn’t one. But I read this blog and God encourages me to press on; He will give me the strength I need for today. Thank you.
Oh Sheri, I wish I could hug you. I do understand. God is with us, He will not let us fall
Dearest Amy, just the other day I felt strongly to pray for you……..now I know why. I love the photo and verse you started out with……so true! I know that every Christian will experience suffering in this lifetime and I am no exception either. During my years I have suffered physically (still do), emotionally, spiritually and mentally. I know I cannot say that I know exactly how you are feeling but I understand the effects of pain. I am so sorry for what you are going through but I know one thing: With Christ in our lives it can be done and when I am weak then He is strong over me. I never have a day without pain anymore but I believe Paul said that it works for us to produce an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, 2 Corinthians 4:17. I empathize with you deeply and will continue to pray for you. Thank you for being so transparent…….gentle hugs to you, my friend.
I love that verse in Corinthians so very much! Thank you so much. I feel tired but encouraged. I know that God is good and ever present. He comforts me. Love you sister!
Like Job we can fail to understand God sees more than we see.
It’s hard for floxy ole me sometimes.
I do understand Vee. Huge hug.
In 2008 I was riding my mountain bike at the park with my boyfriend (now husband) and the muscles in my thighs became paralyzed. I had to get off the bike and moving slowly like a robot tried to walk in the direction my boyfriend has disappeared. He finally came back to find me and had to go home and get my car and come back for me. I’m a dork and didn’t seek any medical attention, but the next day I wasn’t experiencing any paralysis at all, and instead of riding I decided to take a walk. Half way through the walk it felt like someone had hit me across the middle of my back with a 2×4 – it’s really the only description I can come up with. Again, I didn’t seek any medical attention and instead decided to not engage in exercise. We went camping a few weeks later and I experienced severe effects to any noise, light, and movement, to the point that I was crying in a melt down and covering my head to shield myself from it all. It took us the entire weekend just to get back to my apartment. And yet again, I didn’t see medical attention. To shorten this story somewhat, I had so many things happen to me physically and mentally that I was in a panic. I finally went to see a doctor and she said I was depressed! She gave the first of what would be a disastrous amount of drugs from many doctors over many years. I experienced what is called Frozen Shoulder and was able to avoid surgery with PT, which is the only good news out of the past 10 years except for my marriage. Over a period of two years my physical and mental health steadily declined and in April of 2010 I was in a car accident that hurt me and caused a lot stress because I was off work and lost my job. Stress, a lowered immune system, an interovirus, past illnesses, medication, poison in food and water, and the environment, and my body crashed in a way that’s hard to explain. I also had a herniated disc and spinal stenosis to go along with it. I was eventually diagnosed with ME (Myalgic Encephalomyelitis) after seeing many specialist and taking lots and lots of medication. God was really good to me to give me a husband in the middle of all this! I’m still baffled. Anyway, it’s been an exhausting 10 years…most of this time has been spent confined to a bed, in pain and not able to handle any sensory input. A prisoner in my body and my home. There’s probably not many people who can truly say they understand how you feel but I do. The only place I went in the past year is to the drug store a few weeks ago…I was out of the house for about 30 minutes…I don’t know when the next time will be. I’ve only had one friend visit me in the past 7 years and it was only for 5 minutes…I can’t make plans because I won’t be able to keep them. I haven’t been to a church in so long I can’t remember. Sometimes I see the sky out the kitchen window, I little sliver of blue when I can handle it. I just want you to know that it’s o.k. to be limited, because even in this state I can’t thank the Lord enough for His goodness towards me. I wouldn’t know Him like I do without the disease I have and so I’m very thankful for it. I wouldn’t trade all the friends and family for what I know now, it’s like gold and silver, wisdom and knowledge…priceless gift from God.
As always, thank you for writing and letting others see your life and what God does in it. Love you.
I forgot to add that I’ve experienced two miraculous healing of different things I was suffering from over the past 4 years – a herniated disc in my lumbar that caused spinal stenosis, and a herniated stomach that kept me from wearing a bra for 8 years. The Lord works in mysterious ways.
Thank you so very much for sharing your story! Awe, you just touched my heart. I am so thankful you have felt the influence of God’s wisdom, power, and love, through all you have been through. I love you too. Hang in there. We are in this together.
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The Lord definitely sent you to my rescue with this post. This week I heard the term “Fluoroquinolone Associated Disability”. Even though I know I have disabilities now, I wasn’t ready for this label as I approach my one year mark from my fluoroquinolone toxicity. Though I’m grateful that the medical field is recognizing those of us with chronic symptoms from fluoroquinolones. Anyway, it brought me down this week and I’m so glad I sat down to read your post (I had been trying to get to it all week!). I guess the Lord knew when I would need to read it most and saved it for today. Thanks for your everything you’ve done for me through my own FQ fight!!
Becky, consider yourself hugely hugged. I do understand the frustration and discouragement so well. We always have to bear in mind that God has never been bound by earthly parmeters. He is always able to help in some manner when we ask and want Him.