Back to the drawing board.

 

Well, I almost can’t believe I am writing this. I was so relieved last week about my throat, and felt like God had opened a door to the hallway of physical misery I had been trapped in for 7 months. I happily rejoiced walking through that door, thinking it would mean some normalcy in spite of my body’s normal limitations for awhile. I realize I will probably always have pain with the degeneration of injuries I’ve incurred, but I’ve learned to navigate most of that. The throat thing was exceptionally miserable because not only had it stolen the pleasure of eating, singing, talking, and even laughing, but it took so so long to figure out. I got into this new room, and it turns out, trial still resides here.

On Saturday I sneezed and felt a “pop,” in the thoracic area of my spine that has a good amount of degeneration. This is far away from the level I had surgery on. It hurt badly for that moment, but eased and was just sore the next day. During the middle of the night Sunday night, I moved in my sleep and searing pain shot through me. The pain wrapped around my whole lower ribs and even into the front. It hurt so bad when I tried to sit up and stand, that I thought I was going to throw up or pass out. To make a long story short, I’m on day two and am proud of myself for getting a shower. It’s still really bad. I can’t let my hips sway at all when I walk and I feel like I have to keep my back board straight at all times. I have no idea if this is one of those epically miserable spasms and my back just went out and it’s going to resolve, or if I herniated something, and this could take a good while to heal. Sometimes we wait for a door to open in the hallway of suffering, and the door to the room we were initially elated to walk through, turns out not looking like what we’d hoped for. What now?

The natural man in me, really struggles with this. I want to harden my vulnerable heart and question and be upset and angry and somehow get out of this room. Maybe what God wants is for me to remember that every single time in my life this has happened, He has never failed me. Every time He has led me out of Egypt. When I thought it’d be smooth sailing from now on…there has been and will always be an army of evil chomping at my heels, until the day I rest in paradise. God parts the sea over and over for me to spiritually escape. He opens rocks to quench my thirst and renew my soul in spite of the desert and the journey still ahead. He never fails me,, even when I fail Him in my soul. He knows I love Him and still want Him, and in spite of my weakness and exhaustion, His mercy abounds and He feeds me. So today, in all my weariness, my hunger for relief, my thirst for rescue, and my desire for the promised land…I will praise Him in the desert.

 

Psalm 95:

1. O come, let us sing unto the LORD: let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation.

2. Let us come before his presence with thanksgiving, and make a joyful noise unto him with psalms.

3. For the LORD is a great God, and a great King above all gods.

4. In his hand are the deep places of the earth: the strength of the hills is his also.

5. The sea is his, and he made it: and his hands formed the dry land.

6. O come, let us worship and bow down: let us kneel before the LORD our maker.

7. For he is our God; and we are the people of his pasture, and the sheep of his hand. To day if ye will hear his voice,

8. Harden not your heart, as in the provocation, and as in the day of temptation in the wilderness:

9. When your fathers tempted me, proved me, and saw my work.

10. Forty years long was I grieved with this generation, and said, It is a people that do err in their heart, and they have not known my ways:

11. Unto whom I sware in my wrath that they should not enter into my rest.

Our Father who art in Heaven hallowed be thy name, I thank you for my life in spite of the pain. I thank you for my mental clarity. I thank you for my husband and my children. I thank you for our parents, brothers and sisters, my friends that are family and my family that are friends. I thank you for my church family and my Fluoroquinolone family. I thank you for food. I thank you for modern plumbing, electricity, and running water. I thank you for these modern conveniences. I thank you for medical care. I thank you for the souls I have met. I thank you for all of the blessings you give in the Desert. I thank you that Aidan’s after school club was cancelled and I don’t have to drive like this today. I thank you for my precious dogs who comfort me with their love and presence. Thank you for this avenue of prayer and your patience, mercy, and grace toward me in my ignorance. Father, I pray Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.  Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. I know you are always good, wise, and that you have given far more than I in the sacrifice of your precious son. In Jesus’s holy and righteous name, Amen. 

I have found an ultimate truth in my life that must be daily addressed and nurtured. When I forget to remember the number one most important principle in my life, I begin to spiritually fail. I sometimes forget the fundamental purpose of my life; that is to remember that my life exists to allow me to make one of two choices. Will I love God and His will more than my own, or will I love myself and my will over God. If I remember the commitment I have made to God and the decision I have made to love Him more that myself and my desires, it refocuses my mind and my entire perspective. I exist here on this planet, to be about my Father’s business, and to love Him with all of my might mind and strength. I hope you will take the time to watch this roughly 11 minute video. It is a wonderful explanation to an age old question and speaks directly to the heart. The man Ravi Zacharius, is speaking at Yale University to a group of students. He is a Christian and has a phenomenal testimony of God. I enjoy his talks and videos, but this one is one of my favorites. I love you my friends. Huge hugs to each of you. 

 

 


7 thoughts on “Back to the drawing board.

  1. I will enter His gates with Thanksgiving in my mouth, I will enter His courts with praise, I will say this is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice for He has made me glad………These are the words to a chorus we used to sing in church; words that I needed to sing today! Today, I needed to read what you wrote in this blog, today I needed to praise my God just for who He is. It’s one thing to say that we should praise Him when things are going our way. Quite another to actually do it when we’re suffering with one thing or another! But isn’t praise a key that opens prison doors? Just like when the apostles were locked in jail for preaching the Word of God as told in Acts 16. At midnite they were praying and singing and an earthquake shook open the prison doors! It is a choice that we make, to praise God when nothing is going right; and a good one at that! Thank you Amy for this powerful testimony, for I surely needed it to shake my prison doors open! God bless you for being a shining light in the dark corners!

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  2. I love you and pray for you often. The Lord’s timing is a mystery…hang in there and try not to move! 🙂 Gentle hugs 🙂 I often wonder the role we will have some day in glory that we are being prepared for here and now.

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  3. Dear one, The LONG road is the HARD one, but Jesus never leaves the path you are on. I love His command, “Come unto Me, ALL you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest…take My yoke upon you, and learn of Me, for I am meek and lowly in heart, and you shall find rest unto your souls.”

    He was facing the cross, and the incredible burden of the sin of all the world when He gave this command..I have found that every time I obey, there is rest in the midst of the greatest trial, and His precious presence rushes in to encase me in His peace. Praying for you…Ruth

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  4. I finally got to read your post today… as I sit in pain wondering how I will manage through the day. Your words give me such comfort and hope. They direct me to worship my loving God in spite of whatever I am experiencing.

    Your fleuroquinilone sister in Christ thanks you for reaching through my darkness and pain to remind to to keep my eyes and mind focused on Jesus and not my troubles… you are a beacon of His light!

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