I have a tendency to tear myself apart. As a child, I was told by various adults around me, that I “talked too much,” and that I was “annoying.” My middle school math teacher told my mom that I, “had ADHD and needed medication.” She wasn’t the first teacher either. I have a tendency to ramble and joke when I’m nervous, and this further fills me with anxiety. I’ve done this to my own detriment for as long as I can remember. I try to keep everyone laughing or talking because awkward silence feels like it murders my soul. Sometimes uncomfortable topics make me feel like I need to say something to help the situation, but it ends up coming out completely ridiculous or ignorant. I hate that about myself. I’ve often left social situations feeling humiliated by my tendency to self destruct. I’ve been working on this my entire life.
Most people assume I’m an extrovert because I “talk and share a lot.” The truth is, I’m terrified of sharing my innermost private struggles. I share the things I feel are socially acceptable and the deepest things remain locked inside or only released to my very closest friends and family. Social situations with people I don’t know, absolutely drain me. I seek out places to escape and privately recharge. Sometimes it’s a bathroom stall, my car, or even my bedroom. I love people and love being with my close human beings, but it exhausts me, and I find myself needing to disconnect and process. I recharge best in solitude. Personality tests have given me both an ENFJ 48% and a INFJ 51% personality depending on the day. I’m almost half introvert and half extrovert. This isn’t important really, so what on earth does this have to do with anything? Well, it really plays a huge part in what I believe God has called me to do. He led me to being a writer, and that’s something I never would have sought out on my own. I believe it is for the purpose of sharing my testimony and relationship with Him, and to share incredibly important information about Fluoroquinolone side effects. He has allowed me an avenue to do this, while still having the opportunity to do it in a forum where I can disconnect and recharge. I never wanted to write, but God told me one morning as I lay in bed; “Amy, it’s time to go write your testimony.” There is no pressure like the pressure you feel when God is nudging you. He ended up kicking the door wide open to an entirely different path. I guess having a busy mind and an excess of words, has been a weirdly helpful trait in this respect. The sassy 13 yr old that still lives in me, would like to maybe go tell those teachers and adults that being wordy would help me write a book someday. That’s something they viewed as negative, but God saw as something He could use.
Success is often preceded by recognizing our own strengths and weaknesses, attempting to harness them effectively, and channel them into something productive. I think every business model could be summed up this way, and being a Christian is no different. We have to start the same way. Our strengths and weaknesses were already known by God when He knit us together, and He factored them in, when He promised He would guide our footsteps.
Proverbs 3: 5&6
5. Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.
6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.
God is building something with each of us and our lives He is working on me, and He is working on you. We are not our accomplishments. We are children of God. We are not building our own kingdoms. We are building God’s Kingdom. He created you and I with all of our strengths and weaknesses in mind for this purpose. When we grow with God, He shows us what we need to utilize and also what we need to tame. He helps refine us so that He can accomplish His will through us.
While I work on this embarrassing and sometimes unfortunate weakness, I also am trying to remember that my past failures, do not determine my future actions. My tendency to “talk too much,” is just one of the many things about myself that I’m trying to refine. I have so many past failures. If I dwell on how many times I’ve fallen subject to them in the past, I’d give up and think it was hopeless. If I focus ahead on Jesus and His footsteps, instead of the footprints of my past; I may actually have some hope of reaching the goal. We have a new opportunity every morning to start fresh and aim higher than yesterday.
My weakness serves a purpose. It reminds me to rely on the strength of God, and not on my own strength. My own strength fails me, but His does not. He’s been able to use a weakness I hate, to create something I never would have dreamed possible. He’s led me to a place where I’m getting the opportunity to write about my relationship with Him and share warnings for the antibiotic damage I’ve suffered. It’s led me to an entire community of more that 10,000 people who help and support this cause. God has a plan to work all things for our good, if we love Him and allow Him to help us grow, let Him lead us, and follow His example.
Romans 8:28 28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
Our lives may look very different, but God is using each of us to build His Kingdom. We never know how far the fingers of each blessing and influence and example will stretch, and who it will touch. Your story and walk with God, is immensely important. Never discount the worth of your testimony, even in the midst of weakness. We may be butt dust…( Oops, spelling is important here) “but dust;” 😉
14. For he knows we are but dust 15. and that our days are few and brief, like grass, like flowers, 16. blown by the wind and gone forever.
God knows exactly how much pressure He needs to apply, to mould this weak dust into the strength of diamonds…
2 Corinthian 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
I love you each. Huge hugs my friends.